It’s time, once again, for a humorous column, dear reader. In that vein, I welcome Mark Twain to the conversation. Ron Chernow’s recently published biography of the famous author serves as the backdrop.
According to Chernow, before he was America’s most celebrated humorist, Mark Twain was a cash-strapped newspaper reporter in the American West with a gift for exaggeration. I was unaware that Twain lavishly indulged in fake news to amuse, provoke and occasionally poke a stick at local egos and bureaucratic absurdity.
Twain fabricated a sensational story about a fully petrified man discovered near the Carson River. The article, complete with fake scientific analysis and dramatic eyewitness accounts, caused miners, scientists and ministers to debate the implications of a man turned to stone. Days later, Twain admitted he made it all up.
He reported on a haunted boarding house in San Francisco where a ghost, allegedly angry about overdue rent, banged on doors and groaned down hallways. Townsfolk armed themselves with Bibles and pistols, before realizing it was all smoke, mirrors and Mark Twain’s imagination.
To Twain, fake news exaggerated the already ridiculous, exposed the vain and celebrated the weird. He referred to this brand of prose as “stretchers.”
In the spirit put forth by Twain, I now present the following “stretchers” for our Town of Los Gatos. Bear in mind, I’m not Mark Twain, so excuse me if my stretchers come across as clunky.
Town Council approves squirrel spy program
After a series of acorn-related incidents in Oak Meadow Park, the Town Council has voted unanimously to launch “Operation Acorn Watch,” a pilot project that trains local squirrels to function as aerial surveillance operatives. “They’re indigenous, agile, and require no pensions,” explained Mayor Matthew Hudes, whose prepared remarks were briefly interrupted by a squirrel descending from the rafters.
Builder’s Remedy invoked to construct 47-story mixed-use tower in Library Parking Lot; Mountain lion declares eminent domain
Citing the Town’s “brief moment of Housing Element introspection,” a developer has invoked the State’s Builder’s Remedy law to propose a 47-story mixed-use tower in the Los Gatos Library parking lot, complete with three affordable units, a rooftop drone port and an underground valet service for e-bikes. Whiskers, a mountain lion claiming to be a Los Gatos resident, filed a competing claim of eminent domain, asserting ancestral territorial rights and proposing a conservation-based alternative with low-impact treehomes and a 2:1 squirrel-to-human occupancy ratio. Town staff is currently reviewing both applications using a Ouija system and a dartboard labeled “HCD.”
Town Council proposes civility ordinance; ACLU seeks declaratory relief
In a step toward municipal harmony—or possibly prior restraint—the Los Gatos Town Council has introduced a draft Code of Conduct policy requiring Council members, board members and commissioners to “speak graciously, dissent respectfully and maintain a tone commensurate with civic serenity.” The policy defines “discourteous conduct” as including (but not limited to) sighing audibly, quoting the Brown Act with malice, or using the phrase “with all due respect” to mean the opposite. Legal observers, including this writer, warn that the proposed language may be subject to strict scrutiny under established First Amendment jurisprudence. In response, the Town Attorney’s Office is working on a “Constitutional Compatibility Addendum,” while the American Civil Liberties Union is reportedly preparing a petition for declaratory relief and injunctive humor.
Downtown parking crisis tackled with predictive parking pilot (telepathy not included)
In an attempt to tame downtown parking woes, Los Gatos is launching a predictive parking pilot that harnesses the power of smart meters and license plate readers to track real-time space availability. Using this data, the system moves drivers toward open spots before they begin circling the block like hopeful souls chasing a phantom vacancy. “It’s not telepathy,” said the transportation coordinator, “but it’s as close as we can get without hiring a team of psychics.” The accompanying mobile app promises to save marriages by preventing the “Where do you want to park?” debate. Testers praised the program’s accuracy, aside from the occasional false alarm caused by food delivery drivers who treat curb space like a five-minute lease.
Mark Twain once said, “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as you please.” At a time when fact and fiction routinely share space, it seems fitting to honor Twain with a few well-placed stretchers of our own.
If the squirrels really are keeping tabs on us, we may as well give them something worth watching.
Excellent article in the Twain style, but not enough squirrels were interviewed (I’m not talking about the human kind – I think you met your quota there).